It was one windy March day that Sparkle was kind enough to send me to Chicago on an investigative piece to take down the Shedd Aquarium for its animal rights violations, but all it took was one lap around the aquarium for me to realize there was a bigger story here: where are all the cock cages?
Everyone and their grandma is familiar with the annual celebration of Locktober, a scared month long ceremony when all your loved ones cocks are to be locked up in their cages for the month of October, but most similarly to how Langston Hughes pondered “what happens to a dream deferred,” we must now consider the question of what happens when cock cages go unused.
As I meander about this haven for marine enthusiasts and steadfast independent young women who deem themselves too unique to be veterinarians, I quickly realize I can’t imagine a worse place to spend an hour of my time. the place where I suspected to find at worst a neglected beluga, I instead find crowded wall-to-wall with untamed beasts beyond my wildest imagination: nuclear families made up of reluctant parents and their unleashed and untrained children. In my time less than ideal time (read my review of the aquarium on pg. 52), I approached multiple unaccompanied children and offered them treats in exchange for their obedience to simple commands. “Sit” “stay” “stop yelling at me” mean nothing to these demons spawned to create hell on earth for well intended journalists and seekers of truth. Now I’m not suggesting that all children require a leash (they’re not boyfriends after all) or that they have to perfectly trained, nor am I suggesting they’re inherently a problem, but what I am here to advocate for my dear readers, is simple consideration for when and why we choose to remove our effective and urgently necessary cock cages when we aren’t prepared to deal with the consequences.
We all have one in our homes, from younger and foolhardy times of our lives, that we for some damn reason decide we don’t need beyond a certain age in our lives. Rusting away in a cabinet or bedside table somewhere is a precious tool just waiting to be locked again. So find yours and lock your lovers cock right up, get yourself a Boyfriend Leash™️, and parade them around town. Have some fun with public shaming queens cause if they can’t handle that, well… let’s just say he’s not ready for children.